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  • Random jokes and other sh!te..

    Careful with this one...You have been warned...

    Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
    One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a
    hotel, and
    Lulu was among them.

    The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the
    driveway when
    suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

    Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

    Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu
    told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out
    free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

    "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for
    myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information
    from all of the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was
    bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your
    age? How do you do it?"

    "Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
    rip the skin back and suck them dry."......... The policeman fainted.

    **********************

    A little boy tells his teacher that he found a cat.

    "Was it dead or alive? ”, the teacher asks.
    “Dead”, said the little boy. How do you know? ”, asked the teacher.
    The little boy answered, “ Well, I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move”.
    “You did what?” exclaimed the shocked teacher.

    The little boy then explained, “ I leaned over and went pssst in its ear and it didn’t move”.

    **********************

    Jean Jacques cycling off to market when he looks into a field and sees this couple at it. Being french, he thinks he'll get a closer look. "Ah, eet ees spreeng, lurve ees een ze air, the couples weel be couples..." and goes over for a bit of a gander. Then realises the girl isn't moving. "Sacre dieu! Elle est morte!" So he peddles off as fast as he can into town to get old Marcel the Gendarme. He starts telling Marcel and gets to the bit about the 2 people at it in the field and Marcel interrupts: "Ah, eet ees spreeng, lurve ees een ze air, the couples weel be couples..." But Jean Jacques says, "Non, non, you do not understand! Ze girl! She ees not moving! She ees dead!" "Sacre dieu! Ve must do sompseeing about zees..." So, they go off and jump into Marcel's battered old 2CV and rattle out into the country. Jean Jacques waits by the side of the road for Marcel to come back. He sees him heading over after a few minutes.

    "Non, mon ami, zere ees no problem. Ze girl, she ees not dead, she ees eengleesh..."

    *************************

    Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "what did he say?"
    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
    Again, "what did he say?"
    "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
    Yet again, "what did he say?"
    "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
    With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "oh my god - both of us?"

    ************************

    Well that's done for today...b-)
    Someone has to keep the posts rolling in...
    Aim high and consider yourself worthy of great things
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