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Message From Her Majesty The Queen

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  • Message From Her Majesty The Queen

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    ∞8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!
    It's better to be thought stupid than open your mouth and remove all doubt

    Pure speed in sixth gear on a 5,000 foot straightaway is one thing, but pure speed in third gear on a gravel-strewn, downhill, ess turn is quite another.
    Hunter S. Thompson

  • #2
    Fark, how old is this??

    This dates back to the "illegitimate" election of GW Bush - when he defeated Al Gore I believe.......

    Remember the "Dimpled Chads" and all that dodgy stuff involving his brother Jeb Bush?
    Dead Man's Hand
    Internationational Porter Protection Group
    Just call me Pat

    Comment


    • #3
      i think i've just got to the end of the internet and started reading back at the front again.
      Need a website designer? PM me for a quote.
      Here are some sites I've done recently - Velocity Race Team | Business Insurance | West Perth Insurance Broker | Labour Hire | Final Trim Operators

      Comment


      • #4
        You're right drifter, we just came back to this: The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything

        Which is the very first website I remember visiting in about 1994, beyond yahoo
        For LAMS information and resources - http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/foru...thread-156358/
        For LAMS discussion and to ask questions - http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/foru...thread-143289/

        Comment


        • #5
          at first i thought maybe it was just a coincidence, but then i got an email from someone telling me that if i got an email with a postcard from Hallmark, not to open it, because it was the worst virus ever and would BURN my entire hard drive.

          I'm pretty sure i've just clocked the 'net.
          Need a website designer? PM me for a quote.
          Here are some sites I've done recently - Velocity Race Team | Business Insurance | West Perth Insurance Broker | Labour Hire | Final Trim Operators

          Comment


          • #6
            Metric?
            Also, Andie McDowell's character was american in FWAAF.

            Can you help with foster care?
            http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/foru...needed-163289/

            Comment


            • #7
              What ??
              Maybe I have seen it before .................... I dunno ............ I'm old ............. and a little senile

              If I post it again tomorrow I've prolly got altzeimers too

              Now leave me alone, it's still funny regardless

              Bert
              It's better to be thought stupid than open your mouth and remove all doubt

              Pure speed in sixth gear on a 5,000 foot straightaway is one thing, but pure speed in third gear on a gravel-strewn, downhill, ess turn is quite another.
              Hunter S. Thompson

              Comment


              • #8
                you were on PSB in May 2006, no excuses ^_^

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Barfridge View Post
                  You're right drifter, we just came back to this: The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything

                  Which is the very first website I remember visiting in about 1994, beyond yahoo

                  off-topic, but if you like pointless websites, you'll love Is It Christmas?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I hear they play Baseball in Japan.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Machast View Post
                      off-topic, but if you like pointless websites, you'll love Is It Christmas?
                      :awesome:

                      Originally posted by DrRockso View Post
                      I hear they play Baseball in Japan.
                      But the Nips aren't allowed to compete in the world series. neither are the Cubans, or Dominicans etc etc
                      For LAMS information and resources - http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/foru...thread-156358/
                      For LAMS discussion and to ask questions - http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/foru...thread-143289/

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Barfridge View Post
                        :awesome:


                        But the Nips aren't allowed to compete in the world series. neither are the Cubans, or Dominicans etc etc
                        It only happened in Star Trek

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          apparently mentioning the world series as an insult regarding their geocentric attitudes is caused by our own ignorance.
                          Do you remember the good old days before the internet?

                          when arguments were only entered into by the physically or intellectually able.

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