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Lotsa Funnies

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  • Lotsa Funnies

    Things Yoda Says Before, during, and After Sex
    “Ahhh! It’s Yoda’s little friend you seek!”
    “Nerrrm. Put a shield on my sabre, I must.”
    “Feel the force!”
    “Foreplay, cuddling: a Jedi craves not these things.”
    “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I will!”
    “Early must I rise. Leave now, you shall!”
    “Happens to every guy sometimes, this does.”
    “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?”
    “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear, you are!”
    “Who’s the Jedi Master? Who’s the Jedi Master?”

    At Melbourne Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a Qantas flight.
    The teacher was found to be in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
    Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al Gebra movement.
    He has been charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

    You know you’re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!

    A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvellous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, “The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and over fly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

    1. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
    2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
    3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
    5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
    6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
    7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
    9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
    10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
    11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
    12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
    14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
    15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

    Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed road kill ever recorded during Motorcyclist testing. In fact, due to the size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records. We quote the official FAA report.
    “During a routine evaluation session at Motorcyclist’s desert test complex, staffer Holst was travelling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead, eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst (travelling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was imminent. Holst’s helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the bird’s flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy- absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.
    “Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing power after the initial collision and travelled in a ballistic arc of substantial height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not filed a flight plan.

    A group of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.
    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other teacher.
    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, assisting them in directing the flow away from their clothes.
    As the teacher lifted one boy, she couldn’t help but notice he was unusually well endowed.
    Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the 4th?”
    ”No, ma’am,” he replied, “I’m the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 5th”

    I’m SO Glad That I’m A Guy
    ....because it’s a hell of a lot easier!
    You don’t have to learn to spell a new last name.
    Your ass is never a factor in an interview.
    Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
    You can leave the motel bed unmade.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack.
    You can be president.
    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    The world is your urinal.
    Foreplay is optional.
    You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
    You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
    People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
    Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.
    You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
    New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
    If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.
    Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. “So, notice anything different?”
    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    Everything on your face stays its original colour.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    You don’t have to shave bellow your neck.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
    You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
    Your orgasms are real. Always.
    Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
    One mood, ALL the time.


    This little story will ring true for most women.
    As a little girl your mother would bring you in the
    stall, teach you to wad up toilet paper and wipe the
    seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet
    paper to cover the seat. Finally she’d instruct,
    ”Never, never sit on a public toilet seat.” And she’d
    demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing
    over the toilet in a sitting position without actually
    letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet
    seat. But by this time, you’d have wet down your leg.
    And you’d go home.
    That was a long time ago. Even now in your more mature
    years, “The Stance” is excruciatingly difficult to
    maintain when one’s bladder is especially full.
    When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you find a
    line of women that makes you think there’s a
    half-price sale on Mel Gibson’s underwear in there.
    So, you wait and smile politely at all the other
    ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely.
    And you finally get closer. You check for feet under
    the stall doors. Every one is occupied.
    Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly
    knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in
    to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter. You
    hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants
    and assume “The Stance.” Relief. More relief. Then
    your thighs begin to shake. You’d love to sit down but
    you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or
    lay toilet paper strips so you hold “The Stance” as
    your thighs experience a quake that would register an
    eight on the Richter scale.
    To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet
    paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your
    thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that
    you blew your nose on—that’s in your purse. It will
    have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way
    possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
    Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch
    doesn’t work and your purse whams you in the head.

    ”Occupied!” you scream as you reach out for the door,
    dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward,
    directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but
    it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with
    all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because
    YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was
    any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother
    would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew because
    her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
    because, frankly, “You don’t know what kind of
    diseases you could get.”
    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
    toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a
    stream of water akin to a fountain then it suddenly
    sucks everything down with such force that you grab
    onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being
    dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You’re
    soaked by the splashing water. You’re exhausted. You
    try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your
    pocket, and then slink out inconspicuously to the
    You can’t figure out how to operate the sinks with the
    automatic sensors so you wipe your hands with spit and
    a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still
    waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at
    this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line
    points out that you are trailing a line of toilet
    paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!
    You yank the toilet paper from your shoe, plunk it in
    the woman’s hand and say warmly,
    ”Here. You might need this.”
    At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered,
    used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War
    and Peace while waiting for you. “What took you so
    long?” he asks.
    This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have
    ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally
    explains to all of us men why it takes them so long!

    A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
    teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?”
    Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
    the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in
    the third-grade too!”
    The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
    principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
    would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
    questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The
    teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were
    explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
    Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
    Harry: “9”
    Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
    Harry: “36”
    And so it went with every question the principal thought a
    third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
    tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.” The teacher
    says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The
    principal and Harry both agree.
    Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
    Harry: “Legs”
    Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
    (The principal wondered, why she asks such a question!).
    Harry: “Pockets”
    Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
    Harry: “Pants”
    Teacher: “What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
    and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” (The principal’s eyes
    open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
    Harry: “Coconut”
    Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
    Harry: “Bubblegum”
    Teacher: “What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs
    do on three legs?” (The principal’s eyes open really wide and before
    he could stop the answer...)
    Harry: “Shake hands”
    Teacher: “Now I will ask some ‘Who am I’ sort of questions, okay?”
    Harry: “Yup”
    Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
    up. I get wet before you do.”
    Harry: “Tent”
    Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored.
    The best man always has me first.” (Principal was looking restless
    and bit tense)
    Harry: “Wedding Ring”
    Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow
    me, you feel good.”
    Harry: “Nose”
    Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
    Harry: “Arrow”
    Teacher: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a
    lot of excitement?”
    Harry: “Firetruck”
    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put
    his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.”

    An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Hobart, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South, East to West. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call” The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Melbourne. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Hobart and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. “Okay, thank you,” said the writer. He then travelled to Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, Brisbane, Darwin, and Alice Springs. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “10,000 per call” sign under it. The American, upon leaving Alice Springs saw a sign for Perth and decided to see if Westerners had the same phone. He arrived in Perth, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “10 cents per call.” The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I’ve travelled all over Australia and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?” The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in Western Australia now son, it’s a local call”.

    A young guy moves to the big city and goes to a big department store looking for a job...The manager, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home.” Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid, “One.” The manager, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid, “$101,237.64.” The manager, “$101,237.64? What did you sell him?” The kid, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4.” The manager, “You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!” The kid, “No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, “Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you might as well go fishing.”

    Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur’s court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
    The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
    Moral: Pay your bills!

    As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.
    His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.
    Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe’s leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and He could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
    Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. “That was amazing!, How did you do that?” ”No problem”, said Joe “I’m an ex-tractor fan...”

    A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and he asked her, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
    ”No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “Why, it is made of concrete, of course,” she responded.
    ”I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
    ”Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.” ”Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. It’s my husband that does. He says he can’t communicate with me.”

    A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked. “That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered. “So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked. “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.” The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “Well, we’re not having THAT sort of poofter shit in our garden.”

    Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell d’ya think you’re doing?”
    Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “G’day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I’m gonna kill myself.”
    Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
    He says “Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you’re a real sport too.” And drives off.

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
    He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
    The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
    One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’”

    ”The Iraqi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks to the lobby where he meets his American counterpart. They shake hands and as they walk, the Iraqi says, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.” The American says, “Well Sir is there anything I can do to help you understand?”
    The Iraqi whispers “My son watches this show called “Star Trek” and in it there are Russians, Blacks, Asians, Scots, even Irish, but never any Iraq’s. He is very upset. He does not understand why there are never any Iraqis in Star Trek.” The American laughs and leans over. “That’s because it takes place in the future.”

    A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining”, he said to his wife. ”No, that felt more like snow to me”, she replied. “No, I’m sure it was just rain” he said.
    Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
    ”Let’s not fight about it”, the man said, “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing”.
    As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” “It’s raining, of course” he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” to which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear”.

    A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
    She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
    She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
    ”Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!” “OK,” the nun says, “pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But, when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ”My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

    The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says “Can I help you, my child?” Happy says “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?” The nun is puzzled, and says “No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent.” Happy thinks for a minute, and then says “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?” The nun says “No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city.” So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says “What now?” Doc says, “Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?” The nun says “No! There are no 3 foot nuns!” Doc thinks, and then says “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?” The nun is starting to get mad, and says “NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!” So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says “Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?” The nun says “NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!” Sleepy says “Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?” The nun says “NO!!” and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting “DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!”

    A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. “Hello - How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”
    When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him “This is such wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.” The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
    About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
    ”Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
    ”You have to spell a word,” the woman told him. “Which word?” her husband asked. “Czechoslovakia.”

    A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
    ”I’ve been a little sick to my stomach,” she replied. “Well,” said the older physician, “you’ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps.” As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. “You didn’t even examine that woman,” the younger doctor stated. ”I didn’t have to,” the elder physician explained. “You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill.” “That’s pretty sneaky,” commented the younger doctor. “Do you mind if I try it at the next house?” “I don’t suppose it could hurt anything,” the elder physician replied. At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. “I’ve felt terribly run down lately,” the widow replied. “I just don’t have as much energy as I used to.” ”You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. “Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps.” As they left, the elder physician said, “Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?” “Sure,” replied the younger doctor. “Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!”

    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!” The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends.”

    A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK old fart, time for you to retire. The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner? The young rooster says, “Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over. The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop. the young rooster laughs, “You know you don’t stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start. The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Bugger… third gay rooster I bought this month.”

    There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “wait just a minute!’
    She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?”
    She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?” “I sure did,” said the wife. “I wrote him a cheque.”

    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news, he said, “Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the live of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he’s dead.” Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon did you say I can go home?”

    Little Johnny’s next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny’s Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, “Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I’m really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home.” “I promise not to mention his missing ears at all,” said Little Johnny. At the neighbour’s home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand. He looked at it’s mother and said, “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!” The mother, who had braced herself for Little Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.” He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?” The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies “Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?” Little Johnny said, “Well, it is a good thing, ‘cause he sure as shit can’t wear glasses.”

    A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. It is not polite.” ”OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?” “Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ”My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers’ license. It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?” “Because you got an F in sex.”

    One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.” The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.” The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “And if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

    It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, ”This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running”. The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said “You’ve got to keep the old motor running”. The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “Well, well, well!! You certainly are quite a man!” He responded “You’ve got to keep that old motor running”. The nurse then said, “Well, you better change the oil. This one’s black.”

    Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. ”Who is it?” calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. ”Nice boobs,” says the man, “where do you want the blinds?”

    A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday. First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and as he gets closer to her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner. He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little match on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn’t have a car. All in all it’s been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s company and competition and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. “In fact,” she says, “I’d like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.” He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a blow job. The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He’s actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing a tight round of golf. Again she pips him at the last and again he drives her home and once again she goes down on him in appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but nevertheless in the car home on Friday he tells her that he has such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a Night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she burst into tears and says she can’t agree to this. He can’t work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth. You see,” she says, “I’m a transvestite.” He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. “I’m sorry” she repeats. ”You bastard,” he screams (rather red in the face), “You cheating fucking bastard, you’ve been playing off the ladies tees all fucking week!!”

    A Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
    ”My darring” he says, “I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything... just anything you want, you say. Whatchou want?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I want... numba 69!” More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... “You want... Beef wif Broccori?

    A 13 year old kid comes home from school one day and walks up to his dad. “Dad, I have to tell the class tomorrow what the difference is between potential and reality. Can you help me?” “Well son, I won’t give you the answer but I’ll help you out. Go ask your mum if she’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother the same question.” So the son shrugs and heads in to the kitchen. ”Hey mum... would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?” His mum looks around to make sure her husband isn’t around. “Yes, I think I would.” He writes down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sister’s room. Once he gets there, he bangs on the door and asks her the same question. ”Oh my god... YES YES YES... blah blah blah...” she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off down stairs to his brother’s room and bangs on the door. He asks him the same thing. “For a million bucks? What the hell, sure.” he answers. The kid stares at his brother and takes off to the living room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click... ”Dad, I figured out the difference between potential and reality.” “What did you learn son?” “Well, potentially we’re sitting on 3 million bucks, but in reality, we’re living with two sluts and a fag!”

    A man visited his doctor because he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consulted with the patient. Doctor: “It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.” Patient: “Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?” The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing that six inches from the penis, freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as, loss of employment and that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his follow up. Patient: “Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great new job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches?”
    The doctor scratched his forehead, thought for a minute and said, “I dddoonnn’t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.”

    A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there’s a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!” The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” As the man began to eat his French-fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something else to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. ”Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered... “The teeth...”

    A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog’s chest. After a moment or two the doctor shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” ”What,” screamed the man. “How can you tell? You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion.” With that, the doctor turned, and left the room. A few minutes later he returned with a Labrador retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, “woof.” The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few minutes with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook its head and said, “Meow.” He then jumped off the table and left the room.
    The veterinarian said, “There’s nothing more I can do.” He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog’s owner went crazy. “$600 just to tell me my dog is dead! This is outrageous!” The doctor shook his head sadly and explained, “If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the CAT scan... it’s $600

    It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, you’d better listen real good because I’m only going to say this one more time: I haven’t made the FUCKING porridge yet!!”

    It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie rolls towards Pierre and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me!” Deliberately, Pierre uncorks a bottle of Merlot from the picnic basket and splashes it on Marie’s face and lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” splutters the startled Marie. ”I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!” So she smiles, a cute little smile, and they kiss, long, softly but ardently. Things began to heat up a little and Marie sighs, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Our hero unbuttons her blouse, takes a bottle of Chablis and pours it over her firm young white breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing now?” asks the bewildered Marie. ”I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!” She giggles, they resume their passionate interlude - and things really begin to get steamy. Marie leans close to his ear and pants softly, “Pierre, kiss me much lower!” Pierre rips off her lacy underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her crotch, then strikes a match and WHooooshhh!!!! She’s on fire. Marie shrieks, leaps to her feet and throws herself into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms in the air, shakes her fist and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?” Our hero stands, twitching his moustache, and states proudly, defiantly, “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in FLAMES!”

    A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, and then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.
    Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
    ”What’s could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?” So he tells his clerk “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.” Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy.
    About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies “Your house!”

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
    ”My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

    Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”
    The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”
    The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?”
    The first guy says, “I don’t know.” The other guy says, “Oh? Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don’t know shit?”

    A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bar tender says, “What would you like Sir?” The Man says. “I’ll have a pint of beer” He looks at the ostrich and says, “What will you have?” “I’ll have a pint of beer” says the ostrich. He looks at the cat “What will you have?” Half a pint of beer - but I’m not paying!” “That will be £12.65” says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
    The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. “What’ll it be today” says the bartender “Double whisky on the rocks” says the man. He looks at the ostrich and says, “What will you have?” “I’ll join you in a double whisky” says the ostrich He looks at the cat “What will you have?” Half a pint of beer - but I’m not paying!” “That will be £21.95” says the bartender so the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
    The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. “Excuse me” the bartender says, “I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?” “Well,” says the man “When my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket.”
    ”That’s brilliant” says the bartender “You’ll never ever run out of money.” “What else did you ask for?”
    ”A bird with long legs and a tight pussy...”

    Man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
    The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”
    The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch!”
    The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”
    An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?”
    The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!” to which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”

    This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
    The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.” Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
    The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk “I want you to pace yourself. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, “the farmer said, with a chuckle.
    Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
    The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
    Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says “Shhhh, they’re getting closer!”

    Clothes maketh the man. An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
    He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Helen?” Helen looks him over, “Nope.” Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?” Helen looks again, “Nope.”
    Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT?” Helen looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
    Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!” To which Helen replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat!!”

    There were three friends Jon, Nathan and Dan, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realised that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals.
    The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. They thought that was easy enough and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.
    Jon came back first and said to the king. “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten.” The first apple went in... But on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
    Nathan then arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake.
    1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he was also killed.
    After a while Jon and Nathan met in heaven. Jon asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” Nathan replied, “I know, I couldn’t help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Dan showed up with all those watermelons!”

    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair ....”
    ”The funeral director...!” said his wife.

    A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes sir, may we help you?” “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied.
    The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” he said.
    ”Because” replies the receptionist. “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the proble
    If at first you don't succeed, Try Lemons

  • #2
    thats going to take awhile to read
    Some say he eats sidchrome for breakfast

    Some say he only showers on even days of the week

    Some say he put an R1 motor in a coffee machine

    All we know is he's Hewie.


    • #3

      I'll get back to with a comment next Thursday... :shock:
      Aim high and consider yourself worthy of great things


      • #4
        so far ive read the first five jokes, and I like the penguin one best


        • #5



          Seen some of them b4... That a big post... 8)
          Aim high and consider yourself worthy of great things


          • #6
            so far ive read the first five jokes, and I like the penguin one best
            Ummm.... That's the LAST one... :?
            Aim high and consider yourself worthy of great things


            • #7
              i got half way thru then my eyes hurt i'll read it later


              • #8
                Interesting what you can find on PSB.
                I was searching for "Veterinary"


                • #9
                  OMFG thats a big post - couldn't have spaced it out over say 10 years or something could you?


                  • #10
                    The last joke isn't complete. But a good read
                    A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

                    Dear god, it's some weird bastardized three wheeled two person go-kart.


                    • #11
                      c'mon, hurry up with the next post, i wanna know wot happened in the doctors surgery! no, i dont, i already know all those jokes. woulda been intresting to see you type all that out using 2 fingers....
                      "I think she's kinda sweet...but she makes her living catching cum in her mouth and i'm sensing that's a problem with you"