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BEER Jokes

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  • BEER Jokes

    Beer Troubleshooting

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.


    Pussy Vs Beer

    A beer is always wet.
    A pussy needs encouragement.
    Advantage: Beer.

    A beer tastes horrible served hot.
    A pussy tastes better served hot.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
    Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
    Advantage: Beer.

    Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
    Pussy does not.
    Advantage: Draw.

    If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
    Advantage: Pussy

    24 beers come in a box.
    A pussy is a box you can come in.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
    Advantage: Beer.

    If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
    If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
    Advantage: Beer.

    6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
    6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
    Advantage: Pussy

    Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
    Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
    Advantage: Draw

    It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
    You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
    Advantage: Pussy

    If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
    If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
    Advantage: Pussy

    With beer, bigger is better.
    Advantage: Beer.

    Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
    Advantage: Beer.

    Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
    Pussy can make you see God.
    Advantage: Pussy

    If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
    If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
    Advantage: Pussy

    Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
    Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
    If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
    Advantage: Draw

    If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
    If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
    Advantage: Beer.

    If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
    Advantage: Beer.

    The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
    Advantage: Beer.

    Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
    Bad pussy: Ex Girlfriends
    Advantage: Draw

    Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
    Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    The government taxes beer.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
    Advantage: Pussy.