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  • Etiquette

    A Survival Guide for taking a poo at work!

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
    our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
    try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those
    who hate pooing at work; following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
    at work ?

    CROP DUSTING?When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell
    is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
    it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
    has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
    your pants.

    FLY BY?The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check
    for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
    again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE?A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
    a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
    did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
    pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
    for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK?When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
    This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
    happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the
    bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH?The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
    water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
    bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME?Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you
    have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
    someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
    the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER?A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it.
    You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
    newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
    for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. (Andy

    THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
    together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group
    can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and
    identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS?A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
    least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
    sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the

    TURD BURGLAR?Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and
    tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
    occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
    will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH?A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
    that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
    alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with
    an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE?A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that
    you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is
    occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooer can poo in peace.

    WATERMELON?A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
    This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
    create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET?A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in
    the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
    with an ASTAIRE.

    UNCLE TED?A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
    extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
    Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
    always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
    the other bathroom attendees.

    Now go forth confidently in the office knowing correct etiquette is now at
    hand ?
    Some say he eats sidchrome for breakfast

    Some say he only showers on even days of the week

    Some say he put an R1 motor in a coffee machine

    All we know is he's Hewie.

  • #2
    *takes notes*

    Aim high and consider yourself worthy of great things


    • #3
      thank you for sharing that with us at LUNCH TIME
      Loud Pipes Save Lives


      • #4
        No one said you have to read it now... :roll:

        Just come back later...
        Aim high and consider yourself worthy of great things


        • #5
          ive had lunch ... but ur welcome .. i please to aim
          Some say he eats sidchrome for breakfast

          Some say he only showers on even days of the week

          Some say he put an R1 motor in a coffee machine

          All we know is he's Hewie.