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Present from the wife !

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  • Present from the wife !


    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
    with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
    a regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary,

    For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
    week of personal training at the local health club for me.

    Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago,
    I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
    Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
    Model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

    My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
    encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
    well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa
    waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair,
    dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me
    a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes
    on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
    attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
    enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
    class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging
    as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
    it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC

    TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of
    the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
    into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little
    wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding
    smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for

    WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
    toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
    I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
    I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
    parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
    bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
    in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
    is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
    Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent
    a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
    Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
    some other shit too.

    THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
    exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
    couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
    my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me,
    then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

    FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever
    hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
    skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I
    could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa
    wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you
    don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or
    anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
    and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
    been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her
    grating,shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
    can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
    next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
    -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
    :shock: :roll: :shock:

  • #2

    "She said some other shit too"


    Fat kids always win at see-saw


    • #3
      well gordo you learned a valuable lesson they can only bluff you for so long with that come hither look, nice smile, nice large round breasts, tight buttocks oopps i thought i was on the other chat channell :twisted: :twisted:

      and of course ....... she wanted to change you for the you she wants you to be
      A site all parents should check regulary



      • #4
        good work ..
        Some say he eats sidchrome for breakfast

        Some say he only showers on even days of the week

        Some say he put an R1 motor in a coffee machine

        All we know is he's Hewie.