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Clarkson Quotes

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  • Clarkson Quotes

    Just got these in an email, don't think it's been posted here before.

    'I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

    The Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz in a bath together playing with lots of jelly.'

    About the Porsche Cayman S: 'There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean'

    '... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany'

    Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

    On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: 'there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot'

    'The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite'

    'Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you.'

    'The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.'

    'Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?'

    'The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler'

    'This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.''

    On the Mercedes CLs55: 'Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.'

    'I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?'

    Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.'

    'I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off. What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ninny'.'

    'Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.'

    'If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years.'

    On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: 'Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?'

    'Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!'

    On the Lotus Elise: 'This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.'

    'Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate...'

    'In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.'

    'The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them.'

    Assessing Hammond's crash:
    Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!'
    Hammond: 'I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph.'
    Clarkson: 'What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!'

    'Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer.'

    'I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.'

    'There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.'

    'Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.'

    'Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.'

    'You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!'

    'Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.'

    On the Porsche Cayenne: 'Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous ounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.'

  • #2
    I love his way with words


    • #3
      Top Gear. Top show.


      • #4


        • #5
          some classy lines there


          • #6
            My Epiglottis Is Full Of Bees!
            For LAMS information and resources -
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            • #7
              no one says it better


              • #8
                SBS just announced an Aussie version of Top Gear. They are the first country to get the licence to us the name.

                So...who could fill the boots of Clarkson, Hamster and Mey?
                "It's just a motorcyle race" - Mick Doohan, post-race press conference, Phillip Island.


                • #9
                  Bazza, Bruce and Davo, racing a VH Commodore and a XC Falcon versus the XPT from Sydney to Brisbane.

                  Sounds shite, I bet they won't have proper journalistic freedom. Would they rip the latest Toyota to pieces then go to an ad break for the new Corolla? I think not.

                  Top Gear only works because they can say what they think, they aren't reliant in any way on advertising.
                  For LAMS information and resources -
                  For LAMS discussion and to ask questions -


                  • #10
                    ^^^ what bf said.

                    Then again, if any of the stations can pull it off, it would either be the ABC or SBS, as they seem to be the least commercially motivated.
                    “Crashing is shit for you, shit for the bike, shit for the mechanics and shit for the set-up,” Checa told me a while back. “It’s a signal that you are heading in the wrong direction. You want to win but crashing is the opposite. It’s like being in France when you want to go to England and when you crash you go to Spain. That way you’ll never get to England!” -- Carlos Checa


                    • #11
                      Nice Quotes.

                      Who would be the Aussie Stig?


                      • #12
                        further to Aus version:

                        "Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson added: "I'm delighted that Top Gear is going to Australia. Maybe the first guest could be Jonny Wilkinson," referring to Britain's rugby player and World Cup hero.

                        The series will be produced by Freehand Productions, BBC Worldwide's Australasian partner, which will transmit on SBS in 2008."

                        Dare say the comments from Clarkson would have hidden meaning, but I dont get that one.


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Breyten View Post
                          Dare say the comments from Clarkson would have hidden meaning, but I dont get that one.
                          Aside from the fact that any aussie rugby fan hates him.


                          • #14
                            <<<< Still has NFI what they are trying to do with Rugby.. just looks like a game of tag to me.


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Breyten View Post
                              Nice Quotes.

                              Who would be the Aussie Stig?
                              I'll do it....
                              "Redlines are merely suggestions"
                              "Stroked is fun, but I'ld rather get blown"