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  • In an email from family in England, this one claims to be "Best Australian Joke of 2008".

    A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
    He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
    wondering what could have happened to her.

    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
    couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
    says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad
    news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

    'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

    The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
    Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
    reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

    The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
    of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
    what the good news is.

    The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
    really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
    we've brought you your share.'

    He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
    five crabs in it.

    'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind
    and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

    'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
    Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
    there and pull her up again!


    • ^^^ I LOL'd...
      Aim high and consider yourself worthy of great things


      • YouTube - German Coast Guard - Lost in Translation


        • just got this set to me...By a chick
          Attached Files


          • I'd look like a freak with two sticking out the top of my jeans!


            • Sure you wouldn't wear it back to front....


              • Do you find grand final time stressful?

                FOOTY SEASON IS ALMOST HERE........

                Do you find grand final time stressful?

                Does the cost of expensive grand final tickets cause you concern?

                Do you fly into a panic trying to organise interstate travel and
                accommodation at short notice for the grand final?

                Are you driven to despair by the complicated process of grand final ticket
                ordering systems?

                Does the shortage of grand final tickets and the likelihood that competing
                club members will miss out get you down?

                Don't panic.

                Don't despair.

                A solution is at hand......




                No need for expensive grand final travel and accommodation.

                No grand final ticket angst.
                One owner. Only driven gently on Sundays. Sold to best offer. First to see will buy. Reward offered for safe return. Coming soon to a cinema near you. Available for a limited time only.

                My waterbed broke this morning. Oh, I don't have a waterbed. Bugger.


                • Sydney Radio Competition... funny!

                  just got this in email... not one for forwarding but lets call it me repeating a joke... a very good one too!!!:

                  This got the whole of Sydney laughing.....

                  Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

                  The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
                  If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

                  The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification.

                  If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

                  The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet .

                  Anyway, here's how it all went down:

                  DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

                  Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

                  DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

                  Contestant: 'Brian.'

                  DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

                  Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

                  DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

                  Brian: 'Sara.'

                  DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

                  Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

                  DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

                  Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

                  DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?'

                  Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

                  DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

                  Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

                  DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

                  Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

                  DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

                  Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

                  DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this =morning?

                  Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

                  DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

                  Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

                  DJ: 'Uh huh...'

                  Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

                  DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

                  Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

                  DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

                  You listen to this.'

                  [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

                  DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

                  (Touch tones.....ringing....)

                  Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

                  DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

                  Clerk: 'This is she.'

                  DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

                  Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

                  DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
                  Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

                  Sarah: 'No.'

                  DJ: 'Good!'

                  Brian: (laughing)

                  Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

                  Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'

                  DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

                  Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

                  DJ: 'All right. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?'

                  Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

                  DJ: 'What time?'

                  Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

                  DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

                  Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

                  DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

                  Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

                  DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

                  Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

                  Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

                  DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

                  Sarah: 'Well...'

                  DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

                  Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

                  They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

                  Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.
                  "Redlines are merely suggestions"
                  "Stroked is fun, but I'ld rather get blown"


                  • Not to kill a joke, but it was actually from a TV show in Germany interviewing people on the street. Its on Youtube somewhere.
                    You put the c*nt in country run


                    • haha yeah it's funny but I've heard it from other sources
                      I Heart Prostitutes!

                      Lorr says:
                      gahhh i hate cramps im gonna rip out my baby maker junk n throw it at a bird


                      • Yeah, this has been kicking around as a "true story" for many, many years. Good for a giggle though.
                        Can you help with foster care?


                        • Got this one at work not the funniest but made me smile & yes roo's can swim

                          Titled: I know we're having a heat wave, but.....

                          You know it’s hot when the kangaroos start leaving the country.....
                          Attached Files


                          • The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

                            The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

                            'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

                            'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a black hawk pilot in Desert Storm and her chopper got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her desert storm pistol and a survival knife.

                            She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

                            She shot fifteen of them with the hand gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

                            'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

                            'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'
                            - Spuddy: Music, motorbike, gaming, socialising and drinking enthusiast. Man about town!


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                              • Spongebob spotted on the weekend
                                Attached Files
                                Increasing my carbon footprint - one 500 @ a time...