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  • #16
    A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
    Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the endof it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began totell their stories.

    Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egglaying chooks.One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket onthe front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the roadand all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'
    'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.
    'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
    'Very good,' said the teacher.

    Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, 'Our familyare farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One daywe had adozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks
    and the moral to this story is:
    'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
    'That was a fine story Emilie'.

    johnny, do you have a story to share?'
    'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Raylene.
    Aunty Raylene was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf Warand her plane got hit.
    She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she hadwas 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drankall the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then shelandedright in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of themwith the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killedtwenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then shekilledthe last ten with her bare hands.'
    'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind ofmoral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'
    'Stay the f... away from Aunty Raylene when she's been on the P1SS
    Atlas Performance, dyna pumps, " your name goes here"


    • #17
      no punchline = FAIL!

      edit - much better now!
      Last edited by Brougham; 25-09-2008, 09:45 AM.


      • #18
        Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with very large hooters.
        The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
        When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

        No one speaks.
        The old lady thinks:
        The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

        The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
        That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

        The Kiwi thinks:
        The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

        The Australian thinks:
        I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.
        Increasing my carbon footprint - one 500 @ a time...


        • #19
          lol i actually laughed


          • #20
            Hurricane Ike piccies

            The short - but eventful - life of Ike - The Big Picture -
            Increasing my carbon footprint - one 500 @ a time...


            • #21
              Annoying ball paddler game

              Increasing my carbon footprint - one 500 @ a time...


              • #22
                A cabbie picks up a Nun.
                She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
                She asks him why he is staring.
                He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
                She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
                just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
                'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have s*x with a nun.'
                She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

                #1, You have to be single
                #2, You must be Catholic.
                # 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

                The cab driver is very excited and says,
                'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'
                'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
                The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.
                But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
                'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
                'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..'

                The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party.'


                • #23
                  Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

                  He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
                  found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
                  you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

                  The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St

                  Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
                  to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

                  St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

                  Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

                  A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

                  'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

                  'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

                  'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

                  'Never', replies Dave.

                  'Well just relax and let it happen'.

                  And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

                  When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

                  The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

                  'Dave, wake up, you drunken [email protected] You've sh!t the bed !!'



                  • #24
                    Some old as ones from a doc i found at work...
                    Irritations in Life:

                    1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
                    where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at
                    my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

                    2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
                    entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the
                    TV and change the channel manually.

                    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
                    too". Too right!. What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

                    4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of
                    course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've
                    found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

                    5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?" No
                    tosser, I paid to come to the cinema and stare at the damn

                    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me
                    a choice here, did you sunshine?

                    7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new,
                    then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
                    then there must have been something before it.

                    8. When people say "Life is short." What is this supposed to mean??
                    Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can
                    you do that's longer?

                    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus
                    come yet?" If the bus already came would I be standing here, tosser?!

                    FUNNY SIGNS.
                    > In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
                    > On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”
                    > Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”
                    > On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”
                    > On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”
                    > On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”
                    > On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”
                    > On a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
                    > In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”
                    > On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd
                    > one just left.”
                    > In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
                    > In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”
                    > In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get
                    > fed up.”
                    > In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat
                    > any place they want

                    > > >> A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Casino, when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. She told him that she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she’d tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
                    > > >> In Race 2 she rode out rubbing both her tits. The bloke looked through the race book and found Two Abreast, on which he placed a hundred quid on at 5-1. It won by two lengths. “Fuck, this is great” he thought.
                    > > >> In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her finger around her eye. He put the lot on Eyeliner at 10-1 and was five grand in front.
                    > > >> In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her pussy. He backed nothing. After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in Races 2 and 4.
                    > > >> “What about Itchy Mickey in the last at 66-1 she asked?”
                    > > >> “Shit,” he said, “I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!”


                    • #25
                      hahaha nice one
                      wood for life? wood is life.
                      Originally posted by thro
                      i only squid it when riding pissed.


                      • #26
                        Never think men understand...

                        NEVER ASSUME MEN UNDERSTAND

                        A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area
                        and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

                        They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him
                        that they would close the curtains for privacy.

                        The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined; no pulse, no heart rate.

                        The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

                        The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

                        NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
                        Last edited by no-one of consequence; 25-10-2008, 05:01 PM.


                        • #27
                          Beer contains female hormones

                          Last month, University of Huddersfield scientists released the results of arecent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

                          Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

                          The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops containphytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women

                          . To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hourperiod.
                          It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

                          1) Argued over nothing.
                          2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
                          3) Gained weight.
                          4) Talked excessively without making sense.
                          5) Became overly emotional.
                          6) Couldn't drive.
                          7) Failed to think rationally.
                          8) Had to sit down while urinating.

                          No further testing was considered necessary.

                          little girl asked her father:

                          'How did the human race appear?'

                          The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

                          Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

                          The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

                          The confused girl returned to her father and said,

                          'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

                          The father answered,'Well, Dear, it is very simple.

                          I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'


                          • #28
                            One owner. Only driven gently on Sundays. Sold to best offer. First to see will buy. Reward offered for safe return. Coming soon to a cinema near you. Available for a limited time only.

                            My waterbed broke this morning. Oh, I don't have a waterbed. Bugger.


                            • #29
                              [ame=""]YouTube - funny commercial of a bike[/ame]
                              Last edited by Phildo; 27-09-2008, 12:41 PM.
                              One owner. Only driven gently on Sundays. Sold to best offer. First to see will buy. Reward offered for safe return. Coming soon to a cinema near you. Available for a limited time only.

                              My waterbed broke this morning. Oh, I don't have a waterbed. Bugger.


                              • #30
                                [ame=]YouTube - Redneck Amusement Park[/ame]
                                One owner. Only driven gently on Sundays. Sold to best offer. First to see will buy. Reward offered for safe return. Coming soon to a cinema near you. Available for a limited time only.

                                My waterbed broke this morning. Oh, I don't have a waterbed. Bugger.