Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

For funny emails/jokes/vids/pics - that dont deserve their own thread

Collapse
This is a sticky topic.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #91
    Little Old Lady

    Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
    Little Old Lady: I am 76 years old.

    Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

    Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

    Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
    Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

    Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
    Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

    Defence Attorney: Why not?
    Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

    Defence Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Lady: He began to touch my breasts.

    Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

    Little Old Lady: No, I certainly did not!
    Defence Attorney: Why ever not?
    Little Old Lady: His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

    Defence Attorney: What happened next?
    Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
    Defence Attorney : Did he take you?

    Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled,'April Fool!'
    And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

    sigpic

    Comment


    • #92
      Got emailed this, thought it was hilarious.

      http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go


      It's more fun to ride a slow bike fast than a fast bike slow

      Comment


      • #93
        can someone put that youtube thing embedded into the post, or teach me how
        It's more fun to ride a slow bike fast than a fast bike slow

        Comment


        • #94
          ^^ For Vincible1
          [ame=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go]YouTube - Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist[/ame]

          You just paste the url. nothing fancy

          Comment


          • #95
            Dont know if its been posted before but fuck it made me laugh so so so hard.

            Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing

            Comment


            • #96
              One owner. Only driven gently on Sundays. Sold to best offer. First to see will buy. Reward offered for safe return. Coming soon to a cinema near you. Available for a limited time only.

              My waterbed broke this morning. Oh, I don't have a waterbed. Bugger.

              Comment


              • #97
                xmas card from the accountant...
                (click for bigger version)

                [ATTACH]8761[/ATTACH]

                Comment


                • #98
                  My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
                  My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
                  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
                  'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' . . . and that's how the fight started.
                  Click here to see my Ducati 999R in the PSB garage... You'll love it!

                  Don't click here to see my ZX9R aka The Ginger Ninja... there's no link!

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    > FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
                    >
                    > TO: All Employees
                    >
                    > DATE: 4th November
                    >
                    > RE: Christmas Party
                    >
                    > I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
                    > place
                    > on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
                    > Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have
                    > a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing
                    > along.
                    >
                    > And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
                    > Santa
                    > Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
                    > Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
                    > gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
                    > everyone's> pockets.
                    >
                    > This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
                    > special announcement at the Party.
                    >
                    > Merry Christmas to you and your Family
                    >
                    > Steve
                    > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
                    > FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
                    >
                    > TO: All Employees
                    >
                    > DATE: 5th November
                    >
                    > RE: Holiday Party
                    >
                    > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
                    > employees.
                    > We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
                    > Coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
                    > from now on >> we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy
                    > applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no
                    > Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of
                    > music for your
                    > enjoyment.
                    >
                    > Happy now?
                    > Happy Holidays to you and your family,
                    >
                    > Steve.
                    >
                    > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
                    > FROM; Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
                    >
                    > TO: All Employees
                    >
                    > DATE : 6th November
                    >
                    > RE: Holiday Party
                    >
                    > Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
                    > requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
                    > to
                    > accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
                    > "AA
                    > Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
                    > handle
                    > this? Somebody?
                    >
                    > Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
                    > Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
                    > believe
                    > $10.00 is a little cheap.
                    >
                    > NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
                    >
                    > Steve.
                    >
                    > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
                    > FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
                    >
                    > TO: All Employees
                    >
                    > DATE: 7th November
                    >
                    > RE: Holiday Party
                    >
                    > What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
                    > the
                    > Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
                    > daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
                    > a
                    > luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
                    > employees'
                    > beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
                    > until
                    > the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take
                    > home
                    > in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
                    >
                    > Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
                    > from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
                    > to
                    > the toilets, Gays a re allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not
                    > have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
                    >
                    > Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
                    >
                    > To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
                    > allowed.
                    > And No, no blow-up sheep.
                    >
                    > We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
                    > Available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
                    > food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
                    > first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
                    > restaurant cannot
                    > Supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
                    >
                    > Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
                    >
                    >
                    > Steve.
                    > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
                    > FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
                    > TO: All F****** Employees
                    >
                    > DATE: 8 November
                    >
                    > RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
                    >
                    > Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
                    > this
                    > party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
                    > quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
                    > quaintly put it.
                    >
                    > You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you
                    > know tomatoes have feeling, too.
                    >
                    > They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
                    > them
                    > scream right NOW!!
                    >
                    > Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
                    >
                    > The Prick from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                    > ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                    >
                    > FROM: Barry Jack - Acting Human Resources Manager
                    >
                    > DATE: 9th November
                    >
                    > RE: Steve Reynolds and Xmas Party
                    >
                    > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve Reynolds a speedy
                    > recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
                    >
                    > In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Xmas Party and
                    > instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full
                    > pay.
                    >
                    Increasing my carbon footprint - one 500 @ a time...

                    Comment


                    • He finally did it!!!

                      You talk about domination, but have you ever caress her spine with your fingertips, Bedded her for the night, or gotten lost in her beauty?

                      Comment


                      • hahaha, dam keyboards need to get CTRL of things
                        It's more fun to ride a slow bike fast than a fast bike slow

                        Comment


                        • Duties of Wives..


                          Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

                          Terry had married a woman from Greece .


                          He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

                          Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .


                          He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

                          The third man had married a Australian girl.

                          He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

                          He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.


                          God Bless Australian Women
                          sigpic

                          Comment


                          • Three fathers were discussing the trials and tribulations of having teenage daughters and and who were going to schoolies. The first one said that he had walked into his daughters room and found a packet of cigarettes sitting in her opened suitcase. "I didn't know she smoked!", he said. The other two shook their heads and the second father said how he had gone into his daughters room and had caught her hiding a couple of bottles of scotch into her suitcase. "I didn't even know she drank!" he exclaimed. The two other fathers nodded sagely and the third father recounted how, the day before, he had gone into his daughters bedroom while she was packing for schoolies and saw a pile of condoms scattered amongst her clothes and with a look of horror and exasperation he said "I didn't even know she had a cock!".....
                            Click here to see my Ducati 999R in the PSB garage... You'll love it!

                            Don't click here to see my ZX9R aka The Ginger Ninja... there's no link!

                            Comment


                            • A father passing his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw the envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.

                              'Dear Dad,

                              It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mum. I've been finding a real passion with Stacey, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her piercings and tattoos, her bikie leathers and because she is so much older than me. She is also pregnant. She has a trailer in the woods and we want to have many more children. She has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana does not really hurt anyone, and it is so easy to grow that we can sell it for all the speed and ecstasy that we want. In the meantime, we will pray for a cure for AIDS so she can get better. She deserves it! Don't worry about me as I am 15 and can look after myself now. I am sure I will get back and visit one day so you can meet your new grandchildren.

                              Your loving son,

                              Joshua.



                              P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report on the desk.



                              I love you!

                              Call me when it is safe for me to come home.'
                              Increasing my carbon footprint - one 500 @ a time...

                              Comment


                              • lol love it

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X