Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

WARNING- You may be highly offended/throw up/have nightmares

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • WARNING- You may be highly offended/throw up/have nightmares

    Ok you just had to look didn't you?

    Well below are some email joke things, some are funny, some are ridiculous, some are downright disgusting / offensive if you aren't able to see the lighter side of them...

    You have been warned! - Prepare to be grosed out!

    :shock: :x :cry: :evil: :? :arrow:

  • #2
    Aussie Slang

    The following is an excellent list of some Aussie slang...

    10-PINTER - Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least
    10 pints.

    2-BAGGER - Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1
    to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

    ABRA-KEBABRA - A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food
    vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it
    suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

    AEROPLANE BLONDE - one who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a
    'black box'!

    ALL BLACKS - Any team that promises so much but fails to deliver. (sorry
    Andrew, had to add that one)

    AUSSIE KISS - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

    BACK END OF THE BATMOBILE - The state of your Brass Eye soon after you
    eat a really hot curry. I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant
    last night, and now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels
    like the back end of the Batmobile."

    BADLY PACKED KEBAB - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female
    genitalia.

    BEAVER LEAVER - or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

    BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
    booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

    BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
    after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where
    you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

    BEER SCOOTER - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze
    and not remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last
    night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

    BITCH PISS - see tart fuel.

    BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

    BOILER SUIT - The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with
    phallus aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is
    usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on
    Saturday night.

    BONE OF CONTENTION - A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one
    that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV
    with his girlfriend.

    BREAKING THE SEAL - Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours
    of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits
    to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest
    of the night.

    BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Couple of Britney's
    please Doreen".

    BRUCE AND JACKIES - When you see a particularly attractive girl on a
    cold day "Look at the Bruce and Jackie's on her". Referring to Bruce Lee
    and Jackie Chan - a right pair of hard nips.

    BRUCE LEE - erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

    BUDGIE'S TONGUE - or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag.
    The female erection.

    BUNNY-BOILER - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit
    boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the
    look of that aeroplane blonde-could be a bunny boiler".

    BVH - Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

    CIDER VISOR - Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

    CLITERATURE - 1-handed reading material.

    COCK-A-DOODLE-POO - The bowel movement that, needing to come out
    urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.

    CRAPPUCCINO - The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get
    when abroad.

    DOUBLE BASS - A sexual position in which the man enters the woman
    from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one
    hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is
    similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the
    sound produced is slightly different.

    DRINK-LINK - a modern term for a cash point machine (ATM). Named so
    because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

    ETCH-A-SKETCH - Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by
    twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

    FIZZY GRAVY - or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

    FLOGGING ON - Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

    FREE THE TADPOLES - Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

    FRIGMAROLE - Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

    FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT - The sound made when driving through too
    narrow a gap at too high a speed.

    GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention
    of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply
    staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
    afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

    GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

    HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT - A vigorous masturbation session.

    HEFTY CLEFT - or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very
    large vagina.

    JOHNNY-NO-STARS - a young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
    adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from
    the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often
    wears to show their level of training.

    McSPLURRY - The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for
    a week in fast food restaurants.

    MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely
    impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all
    in there worth seeing.

    MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
    "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

    MUMBLER - an attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can
    see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

    MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while
    you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
    unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when
    you come back in.

    MYSTERI TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
    before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves
    a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

    NBR - No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the
    pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

    NELSON MANDELA - rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

    ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE - the need to defecate imminently.

    PAINTERS ARE IN - see up on blocks

    PEARL HARBOUR - cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit
    Pearl Harbour out here!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

    PICASSO ARSE - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she
    looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

    RAGMAN'S COAT - untidy and unkempt pubic hair. e.g. "That mumbler looks
    quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat!"

    RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE - to defecate. e.g. " I've got one in the
    departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate
    hostage".

    SALAD DODGER - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

    SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB.

    SPERM WAIL - or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

    STARFISH TROOPER - or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

    SWAMP-DONKEY - a deeply unattractive woman.

    TART FUEL - bottled Alcohol-pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by
    young women.

    TITANIC - A lady who goes down first time out.

    TODGER DODGER - A lesbian.

    UP ON BLOCKS - menstruating. i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a
    garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is
    up on blocks".

    WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

    WANK SEANCE - During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that
    you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

    WYNONA RYDER - Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a
    Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".

    X-PILES - Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

    Comment


    • #3
      Expand your sexual reportoire

      Expand your sexual reportoire

      The Teabagging
      ==========
      The all time classic manoeuvre of tapping your cock on a chick's forehead whilst she is sucking on your balls, and uttering the timeless phrase Who's Your daddy?"

      The Houdini
      =======
      Going at it doggy-style until you are just about to come, then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she turns around a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and amazed, wondering how you managed it.

      The Angry Dragon
      ============
      Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth,
      smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

      Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
      ============================
      The once in a lifetime act of blowing a hot steamy load
      down the back of a girl's throat and then proceeding to give her a large cold bottle of your favourite carbonated drink, making her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect.A great way to impress your friends.

      Dirty Sanchez
      =========
      A time honoured event in which while laying the bone doggy-style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a thin shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.

      The Donkey Punch
      ============
      Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum,
      you stick your dick in her ass and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.

      The Flaming Amazon
      ==============
      This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!

      The Flying Camel
      ============
      A personal favourite. As she is lying on her back and you
      are hammering her on your knees, you very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vertical seafood taco. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl, much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.

      The Screwnicorn
      ===========
      When a lesbian puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

      The Zombie Mask
      ===========
      While getting head from your favourite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.

      Comment


      • #4
        BOOBS

        BOOBS

        (o)(o) perfect breasts

        ( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

        (*)(*) perky breasts

        (@)(@) big nipple breasts

        oo A cups

        { O }{ O } D cups

        (oYo) wonder bra breasts


        ( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

        (o)(O) lopsided breasts

        (Q)(O) pierced breasts

        o/o/ Grandma's breasts

        ( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

        |o||o| android breasts


        And God created woman and she had 3 breasts.
        He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
        She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"
        And so it was done, and it was good.
        Then the woman exclaimed, as she held the third breast in her hand,
        "What can be done with this useless boob?"
        And God created man.

        Comment


        • #5
          Gentlemans glossary

          DIRTY!


          You cant half tell this was written by a man. Some are disgusting, but
          some are kinda funny.


          Gentleman's Glossary

          Anal Boot [n]
          An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it,
          someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through
          the crack of a man's ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or
          drinking game.

          Autralian Death Grip[n]
          The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply
          into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for
          very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.

          Beef Curtain [n]
          The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-doh
          from an hour or so of jimmy-jam (aka Beef Drapes, Meat Tarp, Piss
          Flappers, Quim Nuts, Vertical Bacon Sandwich).

          Blocking the Box [n]
          When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick - he's got her from
          behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus
          preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error,
          Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).

          Chocolate Cha-Cha [n]
          Anal Sex. Used in a sentence: "Fred and George danced the chocolate
          cha-cha all night." (aka Driving the Hershey Highway, Riding the
          DirtTrail, Utilizing the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye, Chocolate
          Speedway)

          Consolation Prize [n]
          When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you're going to get
          laid, and from all of the drinks you've been feeding her all night long,
          she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get
          revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even
          though you lost and didn't get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost
          as good, hence the term consolation prize.

          Cum Dumpster [n]
          Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times, hence
          she is full of cum.

          Fumilingus [v, n]
          When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts
          directly in his face.

          Game of Smiles [n]
          This games involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman
          giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who "smiles" has to
          buy a round of beer for the rest.

          Going to the Bullpen [v]
          The act of fingering a the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of
          "paves the way".

          Goobin [n]
          One of the many wives had by an old-style Mormon who is not the main
          wife. The setup usually involves having your one "main" wife and the
          rest of your other wives who are strictly used for procreation. Hence
          "Goobin" - a bin for his goo. Used in a sentence: "Mary's one of John's
          goobins".

          Jim Henson [v]
          When you fist someone and physically lift them off the ground. (aka The
          Muppett, Ass Puppet, Meat Puppet)

          Kennebunkport Surprise [n]
          The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England
          Chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners
          legs while chewing box.

          Leave-in Conditioner [n]
          Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman's hairdo at a public
          gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse swallow
          the evidence.

          Matching Drapes [n]
          Reference to whether or not a woman's pubic hair color matches the hair
          on her head. Used in a sentence: "Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I
          wonder do the curtains match the drapes?".

          Mung [n, v]
          Two people dig up the corpse of the recently deceased. One undresses the
          mungee and places his mouth over the labia. The other backs up and does
          a running jump onto the corpses chest. The second person has to eat
          everything that enters his mouth. Insult, seen here in context: "I'm
          going to mung your grandmother!"

          Paying the Rent [n]
          A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders,
          while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.

          Pencil Sharpener [n]
          A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up
          something awful.

          Reading the Defense [n]
          The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation
          to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. "Reading
          the Defense" refers to making all of the proper "game time adjustments"
          as to not get caught cheating later on a some point. Having Beer Goggles
          on makes it very hard to Read the Defense.

          Rusty Trombone [n]
          The process by which one person is tossing a guy's salad, and then
          reaches around and gives them a hand job.

          San Diego Surprise [n]
          The act of bringing a girl home and while fucking her, having a friend
          in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome.
          Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one
          third of the time.

          The Southern Trespass[n, v]
          The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous
          (drunk) man is involved in intercourse with his lady friend. Through
          lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants
          to do it, the man quickly switches from the woman's vagina to the corn
          hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the
          female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass
          in a rain storm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his
          efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the
          coveted Southern Trespass.

          Throwing A Pickle Down A Hallway [v]
          An expression for when you've just laid the pipe to some chick (usually
          fat) who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: I may as well have
          just thrown a pickle down the hallway instead of fucking Fat Fanny's
          loose gash.

          Twinkler [n, v]
          When you are 69-ing with a honey and she gags on your member and you can
          see her bung-hole pucker up.

          Tupperware Party [n]
          When three guys are triple-teaming a chick...one with his penis in her
          mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named
          because she is sealed air-tight.

          Times Square Shuttle [n]
          You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each
          other. You then alternately fuck each of them while they chow each
          other. You go from the missionary position on one and run to the other
          side and work in doggie style on the other one. Repeat as many times as
          necessary/possible. (aka Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing Ping
          Pong, The GungaDin)

          Valsalva [n]
          The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose
          while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the
          release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman
          is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it
          sets the stage for what The rules of engagement will be going forward.
          (With this one, if you're lucky, the doctor's might be able to reattatch
          it!!!)

          Comment


          • #6
            Food Stories

            Subject: FW: Lobster tale


            You want sick - try this

            Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.

            One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke
            up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had
            diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realised that it was
            urinary pain.

            It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhoea, just out the
            wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina
            erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever
            heard.

            In paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to
            push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth
            while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.

            She was screaming wildly, and the neighbours called the police. When
            medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of
            her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.

            She was lying there all twisted up.

            Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic
            had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which
            was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out.

            When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her
            vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger
            wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet
            popping sound.

            Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile
            bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it
            sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back
            and forth.

            The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting
            in - when he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was
            so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without
            convulsing.

            The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping
            and splashing at a furious pace.

            If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:

            Ms. DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe
            head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what
            she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the
            toilet and then on the floor.

            It is believed by police that two nights before the accident she had
            purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she
            gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical
            pleasure.

            At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it
            to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a
            lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in
            front of the tub.

            The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag.

            Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic
            hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints.

            The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in
            lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full
            of mud shrimp egg casings.

            Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in
            the water at fish markets and are usually Harmlessly boiled to death)
            and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she
            was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms.
            DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period.

            Doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb
            was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much
            larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US.

            Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in
            size every ten minutes!!!

            You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and
            gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.........

            ------------------------------------------------------------------------

            THIS`LL PUT YOU OFF YOUR FOOD!

            Subject: Disgusting - not for the faint hearted!!!
            This will put you off your fast foods....
            Here are some gross stories for you.

            A Strange but true story (allegedly) emphasizing the importance of food
            hygiene.

            A woman had been absent from college for a number of weeks. When she
            returned one of her close friends was curious as to why she had been
            sick for so long. The following story emerged.

            The woman and her boyfriend enjoyed involving food in their foreplay,
            mars bars, cream, syrup, gravy, peanut butter, you name it. One day the
            boyfriend, before going to work, made his sandwiches for the day: tuna,
            mayonnaise leaving the leftover tuna Mayo lying out on the kitchen top.
            He went to work, came home, had dinner and relaxes in for a night in
            with his girlfriend. Time passes and the pair of them get in the mood
            and start "doing the do". The boyfriend leaps up, after yodeling in the
            canyon for a while, and remembers the tuna Mayo. He gets the tuna Mayo
            off the kitchen table begins to slap it all over his girlfriend's body
            applying voluminous amounts to her vaginal area and starts to lick it
            off.)

            Two days later after their night of tuna mayo lust has passed, the
            couple start to feel very ill. The boyfriend first, he seems to be
            unable to stop vomiting and the girlfriend later who keeps on getting
            severe stomach cramps. The boyfriend puts this down to eating the tuna
            Mayo that had been lying out uncovered all day, and sure enough his
            jippy belly soon eases off after day or so. His girlfriend, however,
            continues to feel ill, her pain worsening and her abdominal area
            becoming increasingly sore and tender. This goes on for a few more days
            until the girlfriend can't even get out of her bed for the pain in her
            crotch and abdominal area. So her boyfriend takes her to the doctors,
            who recommends she sees a gynaecologist. Thinking she may have cervical
            cancer, the gynaecologist checks her out and to his horror discovers far
            inside the woman's vagina is a swarm of maggots that have been eating
            into her upper vaginal cavity.

            Apparently what happened was the tuna Mayo, after being left uncovered,
            in the sun, attracted a number of flies, who naturally laid their eggs,
            which the boyfriend ate and the girlfriend "incubated"!

            ANOTHER TRUE STORY...........

            This woman went through the drive thru of Burger King for lunch a couple
            of years ago. She ordered a chicken sandwich (the breaded kind...before
            spicy chicken or grilled chicken became big sellers for BK) and
            specifically requested NO MAYO because she couldn't stand the stuff. She
            drove away without confirming that she got what she ordered. As she
            drove, she began to eat the sandwich and realized that there was mayo on
            it. She was none too pleased but was so hungry that she ate it anyway.

            When she got about halfway through the sandwich, she began to feel very
            ill. She stopped eating the sandwich but felt increasingly worse as she
            continued to drive. She felt so bad that she drove herself to the
            hospital emergency room. She took her sandwich with her since she
            started feeling bad after eating the sandwich. The hospital performed
            tests on both her and the sandwich and found out the following...

            The sandwich actually didn't have any mayo on it. In reality, the
            chicken had a tumor on its breast. When the chicken was breaded and
            fried, the tumor burst inside the breaded chicken breast. The mayo-like
            substance was actually puss from the tumor. Kind of makes you want to
            swear off fast food and mayo, doesn't it!

            YET ANOTHER TRUE STORY......

            This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped off at a
            Taco Bell and got a chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home. That
            night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The next day it
            was a little worse so she went to her doctor. He said she was just
            having an allergic reaction to something and gave her some cream to rub
            on her jaw to help.

            After a couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could
            hardly move her jaw. She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong.
            Her doctor had no idea so he started to run some tests. They scrubbed
            out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples and they also took
            some saliva samples. Well, they found out what was wrong.

            Apparently her chicken sof taco had a pregnant cockroach in the one she
            ate!!!! The eggs then somehow got into her saliva glands and she was
            incubating them. They had to remove a couple layers of her inner mouth
            to get all the eggs out. If they hadn't figured out what was going on,
            the eggs would have hatched inside the lining of her mouth.

            TOLD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

            Have A Great Day.

            Comment


            • #7
              F%$K the Dead - I wonder how they come up with this crap?

              I have just read the below and think I should edit it as there is a large amount of bad language that may offend people even more than this doc thingo will
              And I noticed the name used was a bit too close to someone I know... eww
              Now I have read it, maybe I should delete it, it kinda is a bit ranko!?



              (+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+ )(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)
              (_)(_) How to f**k the Dead (_)(_)
              (_)(_) By The Necrophiliac with thanks to The Blade (_)(_)
              (_)(_) A Neon Knight Presentation (_)(_)
              (_)(_) Call: (_)(_)
              (_)(_) The Metal Ae.....PW:Kill..........................201-879-6668 (_)(_)
              (_)(_) Metalland South...................................404-576-5166 (_)(_)
              (_)(_) Milliways......................................... 609-921-1994 (_)(_)
              (_)(_) Look for the 105+ meg Neon Knight system comming soon in 201. (_)(_)
              (_)(_) (_)(_)
              (+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+ )(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)(+)


              How to f**k the dead... Follow these steps and you'll have know problem..

              This part of the file tells why people f**k dead people....Ok..
              For one if your girl friend doesn't f**k and you need head.. F**k a freashly
              dead bitch...It's still pussy no matter what way you look at it...

              Ok Dudes and Dudetes:

              1> 1st Your gonna need a shovel. So go to a freashly made grave then
              start to dig about 7 to 8' (feet) underground

              2> Now what your going to find is a cement lid..Well get a crowbar and
              remove the son-of-a-b**ch.. Now what you're gonna find is a closed coffin.

              3> You have two options at this point. One Lift the coffin 8' above your
              head on to flat ground or two, open the coffin right then and there.

              4> You might be a little chicken to look inside once you Do put on two
              not one BUT TWO rubbers.

              5> Undress the freashly buried b**ch and Bang away. When done if your not
              too tired do steps 4-1. When ever you want a free f**k follow these steps.

              Part II " The Other Solution..."

              1> Not many people have this privlige but if you do you have it made...
              Do U work in a Morgue???? If so the dead girly bodies that come it.

              2> Take one out of the refrigerator and make sure nobodys around in the
              Building or Room..

              3> Undress the b**ch. Put on your TWO rubbers. Spread them legs and
              Bang Away.. When done.. Re-Dress your partner and shove her back in the
              Freezer.

              Notes on the File above...
              Ok, the reason for putting two rubbers on is that so the maggets won't chew
              away at your d**k, also if the dead bitch has any diseases you won't catch
              them! Well Remember to Get Head from the Dead!
              Look for dead girlies named *****! They give the best Head in Bed!

              Also, dead fetuses are a real pleasure for all you little boys that have'nt
              gone through puberty yet. Bringing dead f**ks to a party really livens
              the situation, when you get a really wasted b**ch and prop her on the
              guy's rigor mortis'ed dick, they go for that kinda s**t.

              Caution: If you do work in a morgue then you should take some precautions...
              such as NEVER cum inside the corpse because the mortitian or pathologist may
              find it. Warm, fresh sperm in a cold dead body may start suspision.
              Also, for you people into bondage and S&M.....avoid hitting the body with
              force. Corpses bruise easily because of the nerves being dead. If there
              are any bruise that weren't recorded before, that may get you caught.


              Another benifit of f**king the dead is grave robbing. Back in achient times
              sick fucks used to break into pharoh's tombs and rip off all the gold and
              jewels. From past experiences, some people burry themselves with some
              good shit, like gold chains, gold watches, diamond rings, pearls, and all
              kinds of s**t. So if you wanna have a good time, and get paid for it,

              F**K THE DEAD

              (_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_ )(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)


              X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

              Comment


              • #8
                Pick up lines

                Chat up lines


                If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

                Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

                If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas,
                could I meet you between the holidays?

                You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you
                or eat you!

                Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

                Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? (this one's
                obviously mine!!!)

                I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

                How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and
                I'll give you the meat.

                Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Yolanda?

                Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow
                the hell out of me.

                Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

                I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to
                you.

                That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
                coming too.

                I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me
                to it.


                Subject: Dodgey Pick-Up Lines

                1/ Your name must be Daisy because I have the incredible urge to plant
                you right here.
                2/ Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, lets go screw.
                3/ Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
                4/ Your body's name must be Visa, 'cause it's everywhere I want to be.
                5/ Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
                6/ I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock
                7/ I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
                to you.
                8/ My love for you is like the Energizer bunny: It keeps going and
                going............
                9/ That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
                coming too.
                10/ I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat
                me to it.
                11/ Do you want to get drunk and f**k, or don't you drink?
                12/ I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to
                tinker with.
                13/ You must be from Pearl Harbour, 'cause Baby you're the Bomb-diggity.
                14/ If you were a new hamburger at McDonalds's, you would be McGorgeous.
                15/ Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
                16/ I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,
                have you seen one?
                17/ I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Kmart so I could ride you
                all day long for a dollar.
                18/ Wanna play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night
                long.
                19/ If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
                the afternoon.
                20/ Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
                21/ If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town.
                22/ Guy: Would you like to dance?
                Girl: I would love to dance but I wouldn't dance with you
                Guy: I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat
                in those pants.
                23/ Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
                24/ I'd look good on you.
                25/ I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
                26/ If you left leg was Christmas and your right leg Easter, can I visit
                you between the Holidays?
                27/ You look like a girl that's heard every line in the book, so what's
                one more going to hurt?
                28/ F**k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
                29/ I'd love every bone in your body, especially mine.
                30/ Excuse me, do you wanna f**k or should I apologise?
                31/ You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
                light switch away.
                32/ Do you want to dance? No? Well I guess a f**k is out of the
                question.
                33/ Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
                34/ I've lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
                35/ You must be Jamaican, 'cause Jamaican me crazy.
                36/ My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead until
                hard and serve hot.
                37/ Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all
                day long.
                38/ You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
                39/ Hey Baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home
                without me.
                40/ Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the
                girl of my dreams.
                41/ The word for the night is 'legs'. Lets go back to my place and
                spread the word.
                42/ Hey Baby, what's your sign? Caution, Slippery When Wet, Dangerous
                Curves Ahead?
                43/ Hi my name is Jamie, remember it, 'cause you'll be screaming it all
                night long.
                44/ I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
                into this cheap motel room.
                45/ Was your Dad a farmer? 'Cause you sure have great melons.
                46/ Want to play Conductor? You be the Engineer, and I'll go Choo Choo.
                47/ You must be Jelly, 'cause Jam don't shake like that.
                48/ Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
                Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
                49/ Hi my name is Skippy, like Peanut Butter, I stick to the roof of
                your mouth.
                50/ Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
                51/ The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more
                room for your tongue.


                Really crude pick up lines....

                I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day
                long.

                (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out
                of these wet clothes.

                Nice legs...what time do they open?

                Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you
                checking out my package.

                You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

                Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

                I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm
                the only one talking to
                you.

                I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big
                Breasted Bed Thrasher,
                have you seen one?

                I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman
                on earth tonight.

                Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the
                hell outta me.

                I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so
                I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

                Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name
                tag.

                I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked

                Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway
                the heaven?

                Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk
                about the first thing that POPS up.

                You might not be the best looking girl here, but
                beauty is only a light switch away

                Are those real? You must be the limp doctor because
                I've got a stiffy.

                You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!

                I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and
                even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

                Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails
                and screw ya.

                If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could
                be you by morning.

                You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions?

                Screw me if I'm wrong but is your name Helga?

                Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on
                my bedroom floor.

                My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be
                screaming it later.

                Do you believe in love at first sight or should I
                walk by again?

                Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for
                me.

                My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

                Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and
                talk to you.

                My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime
                you want to.

                I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN, how much
                have you been drinking?

                If you were the last woman and I was the last man on
                earth, I bet we could do it in public.

                Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What -
                you don't like pizza?

                I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.

                Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't
                go home without me.

                Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

                Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see
                myself in them

                Like Motel 6...I'll leave a light on for you.

                If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold IT
                against me?

                I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think
                he went into this cheap motel room.

                If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I
                together.

                Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if
                it says "Made in Heaven"

                Hey nice shoes, wanna screw?


                ------------------------------------------



                Its coming into the party season, why not be prepared!!..........


                I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

                (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt): Let's get you out of these wet
                clothes.

                Nice legs...what time do they open?

                Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

                You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

                Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

                I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking
                to you.

                I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have
                you seen one?

                I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

                Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

                I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could
                ride you all day long for a quarter.

                Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

                I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

                Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

                You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
                switch away.

                Are those real?

                You must be the limb doctor because I've got a stiffy.

                I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
                that thing you do with your tongue.

                If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

                (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.

                You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

                You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

                Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

                Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

                My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

                Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

                Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

                My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

                Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

                My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

                I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

                If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we
                could do it in public.

                Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

                Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

                Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

                Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

                I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this
                cheap motel room.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Where's your sign?

                  Take time to read it's a good laugh

                  This really needs to catch on...


                  Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
                  That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
                  anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't
                  see your sign"


                  It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
                  there was a Wridgeways truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over
                  and says,"Hey,you moving?"

                  "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many
                  boxes it takes. Here's your sign."


                  A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled
                  his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot
                  on the ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?"

                  "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."


                  I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
                  There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way
                  to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
                  good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell
                  us if it hurts when they bite you."

                  "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".


                  Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a gas station. The
                  attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he
                  said, "Tyre go flat?"

                  I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those
                  other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."


                  We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to
                  the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back
                  to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
                  exhaust pipe, then says, "Shit, that's hot!"

                  See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.


                  I learned to drive a semi-trailer in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
                  you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and
                  I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help
                  and eventually a cop shows up to take the report. He went through his
                  basic questioning. Ok. No problem. I thought sure he was clear of
                  needing a sign...until he asked

                  "So Is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him,
                  looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm
                  delivering a bridge... here's your sign."


                  I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said
                  "Are you still here?"

                  I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."


                  Anybody you know need a sign today?

                  Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something
                  stupid ask them where their sign is....

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Apologies if you read any/and/all of that

                    Yes I am bored at home and feeling ill *sniff* *cough*
                    Well, I'm going to throw up now, care to join me?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Damn, thats going to take me weeks to read that!!!! 8) :?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Some of those are just plain ferral, others may be copied and forwarded

                        Get well soon Dragon!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Now I was with ya all the way up to the dead people part... That is just WRONG!! But otherwise, all good Dragon! Keep it up!

                          Hope you get better soon too.

                          bman
                          Reporting LIVE from Scotland!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            f*@ck me !! Maybe when I'm as bored I'll come back and read some more!!

                            Get better soon Dragon!!

                            Highly recommend getting some Andrographis for colds ... if you end up with some nasty chest cough get some horehound tea - tastes just as bad as it sounds but it works!!
                            I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Dam Dragon some of them a funny , but I will need a week off work to get through them all !!!

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X