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Some more jokes

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  • Some more jokes

    The Frog and Golf

    A man takes the day off work and
    Decides to go out golfing.

    He is on the second hole when he
    Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

    He thinks nothing of it and is
    About to shoot when he Hears,

    Ribbit 9 Iron.'

    The man looks around and doesn't
    See anyone.

    Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

    He looks at the frog and decides to
    Prove the frog wrong, puts the
    Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

    He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

    He is shocked.

    He says to the frog,

    'Wow that's amazing.

    You must be a lucky frog, eh?

    The frog replies,

    'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

    The man decides to take the frog
    with him to the next hole.

    'What do you think frog?'

    The man asks.

    'Ribbit 3 wood.'

    The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
    Boom! Hole in one..

    The man is befuddled and doesn't know
    What to say.

    By the end of the day, the man golfed the
    Best game of golf in his life and
    asks the frog,

    'OK where to next?'
    The frog replies,

    'Ribbit Las Vegas ..

    ' They go to Las Vegas
    and the guy says,

    'OK frog, now What?'

    The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

    Upon approaching the roulette table,

    The man asks,

    'What do you think I should Bet?'

    The frog replies,

    'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

    Now, this is a
    million-to-one shot to win, but
    after the golf game the man
    Figures what the heck.


    Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

    The man takes his winnings and
    buys the best room in the Hotel.

    He sits the frog down and Says,

    'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
    You've won me all this money and
    I am forever grateful.'

    The frog replies,

    'Ribbit KissMe.'
    He figures why not,

    Since after all the frog did for Him,

    He deserves it.

    With a kiss, the frog turns into a
    gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

    'And that,

    your honor, is how the girl
    ended up in my room.

    So help me God
    Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

  • #2
    The Snake and the Bunny.

    Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've beenblind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

    It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

    "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft
    fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

    "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be The Government."


    • #3
      Work Rules

      1.Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4yikes0 and then bring
      it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

      2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
      inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise
      me at every keystroke.

      3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
      chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

      4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, or supplies, don't open the door
      for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
      with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all
      use of my limbs.

      5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority.
      I am psychic.

      6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this place and really have nowhere
      to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

      7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
      mean a promotion.

      8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
      conversations. I was born to be whipped.

      9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
      fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with
      useful information.

      10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know
      anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
      later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

      11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change
      your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

      12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to
      know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to
      pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good

      13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
      been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.
      I'm not here for the money anyway.


      • #4

        Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
        office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher,
        I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

        The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
        classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment

        Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
        Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

        When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
        to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

        The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and
        Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

        'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and
        thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'


        • #5
          Car Parking ?

          A man walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer. He
          tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two
          weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

          The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
          for the loan, so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys and documents of
          new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the
          Log Book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept
          the car as collateral for the loan.

          The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough
          looking Glaswegian for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a
          £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the
          bank's underground garage and parks it there.

          Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns, repays the £5,000 and the
          interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are
          very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
          out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
          checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles
          us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

          The Glaswegian replies: "Where else in Glasgow can I park my car for two
          weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

          Ah, the mind of the Glaswegian . . . . This is why they survive!

          Canny or what?


          • #6
            Cake or bed

            a husband is at home watching a
            football match when his wife interrupts,

            'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
            It's been flickering for weeks now.'

            he looks at her and says angrily,
            'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead?
            I don't think so!'


            then the wife asks,
            'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
            It won't close right'

            to which he replied,
            'fix the fridge door?
            Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire'
            written on my forehead?
            I don't think so!'

            'fine!' she says
            'then you could at least fix the steps
            to the front door? They are about to break'

            'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
            want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead?
            I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'

            so he goes to the pub and drinks for a
            couple of hours.................

            He starts to feel guilty about how
            he treated hi s wife, and decides
            to go home

            as he walks into the house he notices
            that the steps are already fixed.

            As he enters the house , he sees the
            hall light is working

            as he goes to get a beer, he notices
            the fridge door is fixed.
            Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
            she said, 'well, when you left i sat
            outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him.
            He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'

            he said,
            'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

            she replied, 'hellooooo..., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'


            • #7
              A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.
              He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my pop!'
              'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
              The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
              ' Bunderburg Rum and sheilas with big tits.'


              • #8
                Please stop now.


                • #9
                  Haha the frog one is awesome
                  Free android puzzle game


                  • #10
                    Don't be such a killjoy, I'm getting a laugh out of a couple.


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Desmogod View Post
                      Please stop now.
                      Jim, go have a wank or kick a dog or something, we don't need your negativity in here ^_^


                      • #12
                        I liked the diesel fitter one. Didn't see it coming
                        Originally posted by redfern
                        Its not often I am revolted by porn, I can pretty much handle anything, but that sir is just wrong.


                        • #13
                          Diesel fitter joke rocks!!!!!!!