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  • Oil/Gas Rig Simulator for home

    Emailed Funny



    I've often been asked "what's it like working offshore on an oil rig".

    So for those of you wishing to share in the experience I have devised a little simulator, so
    that you too can have your very own offshore experience from the comfort of
    your own home.

    First of all, you need to simulate the unit, i.e. the room you'll be
    spending 12 hours a day. So take a room in your house and divide it in two
    (a blanket or some bits of board should do the trick): half a typical bedroom
    is about the size of a typical unit. Remove anything remotely decorative or
    comfortable, and turn everything remaining grey. Find yourself a metal desk,
    perhaps a filing cabinet too, and then a chair. Break the chair: make sure you
    can't sit back and relax. Set up a laptop and other random bits of electronics,
    and give yourself an intermittent internet connection. If you're feeling particularly determined, have no internet at
    all.

    We have now our basic workspace, but the ambience is all wrong. Crank up the
    heat to an unbearable level, and install a giga ntic air conditioner/fan in
    the room. Ensure it doesn't work. Allow it to switch and blast air around
    very noisily, but make sure it isn't remotely cooling. Just outside of the
    room/unit, you need to create a source of noise. Perhaps 10-15 hoovers might
    do the trick. This is mere background noise, to accurately simulate the
    agonizing screech of the crane I'm currently enduring, you may need to
    borrow a friend's cat and have it tortured at ten minute intervals. Really,
    really hurt this cat, over and over again. In fact, put it in front of a
    megaphone as you do so.

    You may close the door to soften the noises (a little), but if you do so,
    you must increase the heat greatly.

    To simulate the PA system, simply turn on your radio, find a grainy piece of
    static, and put the volume to full blast at random intervals.
    Ensure there is no intelligible content within.

    If you choose to simulate dayshift, your hours are 6am to 6pm, with meals at
    5.30am, 11am and 6pm: nightshift is the inverse. Meals should consist of
    very well-done steak (not to be eaten) and chips - or gristle. Do not enjoy.
    For the foreign rig experience, pour sludge into a vat and add some mystery
    meats: Fish heads and goats heads are particulaly popular in Asia you are now sampling "culture".

    You are perfectly entitled to go outside at any time, but must wear luminous
    coveralls, a hardhat, gloves, heavy boots and safety glasses, and listen to ugly men
    swear.... All communication must be grumpy. Humour is only allowed in small and
    very bitter doses. Do not smile. Do not be nice.
    DO NOT talk about your emotions. Remind those around you how miserable
    conditions and life are. If you have a full blown conversation, ensure it is about
    mechanics, engineering or bits of pipe, and do not try and understand it.

    To accurately simulate sleeping conditions, find a single bed too short to
    stretch out in. You may turn off some of the hoovers. Every couple of
    nights, simulate the roomboy by having a friend open and close your door,
    and sometimes turn the light on to wake you. Don't say much to him, or he will talk
    about "jiggy jiggy".

    Here comes the key part of this simulation: it must last for weeks...
    no, months.. In fact, when you begin, try not to even know how long it will
    last. Have a friend roll a dice in secret, and then have them tell you an
    entirely different, lower, number. It is vital you begin your simulation
    believing it to last three weeks when in fact it will last six.

    The good news: when you finish your rig simulation you are allowed - nay,
    obliged - to drink very heavily for weeks and weeks. DO NOT STOP.
    And then, just when you've spent your final penny on your final bottle of
    whiskey, crank up the hoovers, borrow the cat, and plunge yourself into another
    month or two of sensory shutdown. You are now fully primed to embrace the
    offshore existence.



  • #2
    +rep

    so true. but you forgot to add,

    have your housemate set off the smoke alarm at 2am to simulate an esd then again at 3am.

    (\__/)
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")

    Comment


    • #3
      hahahahahahaha

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by TRX View Post
        +rep

        so true. but you forgot to add,

        have your housemate set off the smoke alarm at 2am to simulate an esd then again at 3am.

        Yep, forgot that!!

        And the run around with a pillow tapped to you (life jacket) then line
        up in total confusion!!



        Comment


        • #5
          You forgot "whinge about your 6-figure salary at every available opportunity, especially if you are paid in USD"
          For LAMS information and resources - http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/foru...thread-156358/
          For LAMS discussion and to ask questions - http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/foru...thread-143289/

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by barfridge View Post
            You forgot "whinge about your 6-figure salary at every available opportunity, especially if you are paid in USD"
            now it belongs in the funny section!

            Comment


            • #7
              Funny post, but I agree with Barfy. Having 4 bikes in your profile, 3 of which are Ducatis gives the game away.

              Comment


              • #8
                Great thread.

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                • #9
                  ... and that's why they pay you the big bux Jules!

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                  • #10
                    Also on your hitch off you dont get to play up all the time as you get to play fireman , confind space entry , tobiset , heights. bla bla bla.
                    Fu#k training.
                    Just got stung for playing fireman next week.
                    NOT HAPPY
                    REPENT MOTHER FUCKER
                    (anarchy in english )

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Very good.

                      But you also forgot, "Whenever discussing working conditions, you have to put up with snide comments from people unwilling to make sacrifices to earn a better wage".
                      FTP

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        sounds nice, maybe i should write one about being an offsider on a exploration RC land rig......

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Well give the drill rigs the MISS and get your arse on a FPSO pref. a k'n BIG one!
                          Life will be soooooo much betterer and a 3 week stint is very doable indeed.
                          The food is just absolutly first class and the working hours are in a way the same as in a Perth ashit paid job.
                          Roll outta bed 10 to 6 one flight of stairs down to the very well stacked mess for whatever you desire for breakky tool box snooze roll outside at 8tish morning smoko (beatifull!!) for 1/2 hour then back to work, 11.30 sensational lunch for an hour (have a snooze) and back to work, 3pm 1/2 hour afternoon tea with cakes biscuits (Timmo's etc.etc.) then back to it till 5.30pm shower, 6pm dinner full on 5 star and at 9pm pizza or the like for the late stayers with chocolate bars deluxe for the taking! and all that for a half decent pay, like 1 day = more than 1 week on shithouse CBD.
                          Do this for 3 weeks thern 3 weeks home HOLIDAY! then 3 weeks work then 3 weeks holiday and so on.
                          2 swings = one years struglers wage!
                          Good night .. over & out on life off shore for J

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Jamathi View Post
                            Well give the drill rigs the MISS and get your arse on a FPSO pref. a k'n BIG one!
                            Life will be soooooo much betterer and a 3 week stint is very doable indeed.
                            The food is just absolutly first class and the working hours are in a way the same as in a Perth ashit paid job.
                            This sounds like an Aussie (Woodside? BHPB?) gig..

                            Originally posted by jules_1972 View Post
                            I've often been asked "what's it like working offshore on an oil rig".

                            This doesnt.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by RT View Post
                              sounds nice, maybe i should write one about being an offsider on a exploration RC land rig......
                              I used to do that. IMO, WORST job in the world. I'd never do it again.

                              Now I have to deal with the poor sods.
                              Work Buy Consume Die

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